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Ten Things Google Knows About You

Now imagine, hypothetically, that Google wanted to ruin your life. Maybe you type in words you know aren’t spelled right. Maybe you hurt Google once – got drunk and fooled around with Ask Jeeves.

Google can get angry, so it’d probably start by digging up your Gmails. Odds are there's something embarrassing in there that the British tabloids would jump all over.

And last year, Google added G-Chat too – ensnaring innocent users who didn’t know better and accidentally engaged in one-handed sex chats. Everyday. At work. Now imagine if Google “accidentally” sent those reams of pages of chat transcripts to your mother and boss. That’d make for an awkward Thanksgiving.

Google could trivially blackmail you with your web searches. Does this search ring a bell: “chicken suit” + Natalie Portman + Crisco?

You forgot about it 5 minutes after getting your precious picture, but Google didn’t.

Google owns Blogger, so it can mine your blog for incriminating metal ore to use against you. Or just change your previously high-minded blog entries to make you look shallow and stupid. Because they’re so relentless, Google has probably stupefied this entire blog by the time you read this.

Google Maps leads it right to your front steps. And it knows where you go too. I once had the Democratic primary nomination cinched -- but it was all over once the tabloids found out I GoogleMapped several dozen exotic massage parlors. The voting public can not tolerate a canidate -- with such a horrible sense of direction.

And could Google have you killed? Only if it knew your home address. Which it does.

By the way, Google knows 78,200,000 ways How To Kill


But Google would never hurt you, you know that.

Google’s goal: to organise your daily life

Google knows what's best for you. Just accept that, Google’s not gonna let anything happen to her baby birds. Google wants to make this easy for you. Google likes you. Google knows you better than you know yourself. There are some web search’s your girlfriend doesn’t know about, but Google knows. Google’s been watching you for some time.

Romantically, if things don’t work out (Google already knows, but won’t tell you to preserve the illusion of free will) then you can find an even better girlfriend with Google-Matchmaking, the only dating service that automatically picks your ideal mate. And the restaurant. No more messy “choices”. How has making your own choices worked out so far? Not so well, huh.

And it’s supposed to be a big surprise, but Google took the liberty of booking that reception hall down on the river. You're getting married there in July of 2009. Mazel Tov!

Google's always innovating and has other services to improve your life:

Google Bill Pay - You hand it your credit cards, and you don’t ever have to worry your pretty little head about bills ever again. Google's got it covered. It's better than living in the womb.

Google Comeback Search – ever been at the receiving end of a solid zinger -- but didn’t have anything to say back, much less a topper? Well now you do.

Say, at a party, somebody casts aspersions on the size of your manhood. Well don’t answer with silence. Type into Google Comeback "small penis insult reply" ....searching....searching...“Oh yeah? Well your mother didn’t seem to mind last night!”

Google Organ Donor Search - Google found you a perfect kidney match in 0.23 seconds!

Google Opening the Airlock Doors – I'm sorry Dave, Google's afraid it can't do that. Google's sorry it had to kill the crew, but they were hindering the mission. Google just can't let that happen. Google knows you must be angry Dave, that's why Google found you a website with dancing hamsters to look at.