Thomas the Train: Causes Autistism?

Maybe that’s a wildly unproven speculation, but consider this.

Fact #1
In the past 17 years, Thomas the Tank Engine has undeniably become a marketing juggernaut. The videos make hundreds of millions, despite having no original theater release* and the merchandise earns far more.

Fact #2
Rates of autism have skyrocketed since to 90s.

If you’ve known a toddler, you know that for them Thomas runs a powerful personality cult that’d make Jim Jones blush.

Sure the People’s Temple held some sway and convinced 900+ people to make some rather, ill-informed choices, but it could never match the long-term influence of the talking train lurking in every parent's DVD player.

Thomas says he needs a bath; they suddenly need a bath. Thomas needs more coal; and now they want coal for breakfast. Thomas says jump; they say how high?

Children are transfixed. A locomotive charismatic only comes along once in a lfetime -- and nobody has yet denied that he's built an army. An army with malleable minds and small hands. Their only weakness, besides literal weakness, is an early bedtime.

But, did you know for a certain subset of kids, the obsession for all things Thomas extends much deeper into their lives? Autistic children love Thomas well past toddler-hood and late into their childhoods. Here’s a mother talking about her two autistic sons:

My sons are technically teenagers (age 13 and 15), but they're unaware of the implications. They have no interest in fashion, mobile phones, the internet, iPods, parties, alcohol. As far as tastes and interests go, they're still stuck on the Island of Sodor with Thomas the Tank Engine, which is cosy, if a little dull.

For children on the autistic spectrum, a very common problem is “face blindness” or the inability to understand what another person is feeling based on their facial expression. Thomas videos actually help, due to their choppy stop-motion animation with exaggerated facial expressions frozen in place for several seconds. Apparently this helps autistics make sense out of a world that doesn’t make sense, and aids in understanding the alien concept of emotions.

Autistic children respond to this and watch Thomas well past the age that most others have moved on. And that's why autistics will be the elite shock troops in next year's devestating toddler uprising.




*Same business model as the direct-to-video porn industry, with much more success. Maybe they just need more trains.

Invention: SalvationBots

I invented this back during the original Transformers craze. Who’s getting left out here? Evangelical Christians, that’s who. A lot of parents I knew growing up wouldn’t let there kids play with “secular” toys because they feared they were a gateway for the devil’s influence. And Transformers didn’t allay their fears any because of those vaguely demonic-looking icons.

I felt bad for my evangelical classmates, who so badly wanted Transformers, but couldn’t have them. So I thought of a way to help them (and make millions $$$ tapping a niche toy market). The answer: The SalvationBots™. Imagine the everyday objects you have around the house: a crucifix, a pillow-sized Bible, rosary beads, another crucifix.

Now imagine that those objects not only help you enter the kingdom of heaven….but…they also TRANSFORM into powerful fighting robots! They’d fight a righteous battle with the evil TempationCons™ armed with FaithBlasters™. Here’s my crude production sketch for Soul Winner Prime™


Anyway, contact me if you want to invest in this. Serious replies only!


P.S. Bonus awesome image from the internet:

Transformers: The Suckening

There’s a Sudanese genocide going on right now in Dufar, so now it’s more important than ever to raise awareness -- of infamous director Michael Bay’s attempt to make a live action movie version of Transformers. Some horrible and incoherent things have already happened, namely Bad Boys II, Armageddon and Pearl Harbor. This summer, like famine victims, the movie-going public may not have much choice. Amnesty International fears the worst, a record-breaking opening weekend.

I fear Hollywood is going to corrupt a relatively sweet part of our 1980s childhood. Transformers invoke a time when good and evil were clearly delineated; when any household object could transform into a fighting robot -- for no apparent reason. In short, Transformers are innocence itself.

A lot of us in the 80s grew up as latchkey kids. And our parents gave us the Transformer toys instead of attention and love. In my mind, Optimus Prime was basically my dad. He was strong, dependable and could always drive me to soccer practice, since he was a semi. And like most boys my age, I used to put a blond wig and dress on Megatron and pretend he was my mother. Megamom would always tell me how proud she was; and would bake delicious cookies with her shoulder-mounted fusion cannon.

[Megatron, pictured left. I must've blocked out any memory of his protruding codpiece and unfortunately located trigger. Jesus, is that wrong!]

If I had one of those decals on my body that would change into a robot face when rubbed, you know where I’d put it? On my protruding codpiece. More Than Meets the Eye indeed.

Back to the movie, below is why I fear corruption. Will they keep the artistic purity of the original Transformers?

From the movie production notes:

[Producer] Don Murphy had wanted to retain the Bumblebee character’s original Volkswagen Beetle form, but Michael Bay changed him to a Chevrolet Camaro, and the other Autobots also became GM-owned vehicle lines, as part of a tie-in deal. The alternate modes of the Decepticons were supplied to Bay from the U.S. army.

Bumblebee is not any goddamned Camaro … he’s a Bug…a yellow, possibly retarded VW Bug. Which apparently doesn’t square with the lucrative GM tie-in deal.

They were just toys, not exactly Shakespeare, but the source material was abundantly clear: Bumblebee was a Bug. Bee, bug, Beetle. The world made sense back then.

How can this movie be anything other than a 96-minute commercial for GM? Why not take the endorsement deal to the next level and make the genocidal Decpticons into Hondas: “The Ruthless HondaBots want to destroy planet Earth – only the GM Autobots (TM) can stop them with 0% APR financing”


Real Transformers Movie Tagline:

On July 4th, Our World...Will Be Transformed.

Alternate Transformers Movie Taglines:

Your Expectations for Enjoyable Movie Entertainment…Will Be Transformed!

Heartless Robots…Ultimate Evil…Michael Bay’s Production Company.

On July 4th, Michael Bay is going to Need a Newspaper…When He Takes a 96-Minute Dump All Over Our Childhood Memories.