Thursday, September 27, 2007

Can't Name Your Racehorse Nutzapper

Good to Know

Aside from the ill-fated Nutzapper, the Jockey Club's database reveals 131 horses whose names begin with the prefix Nut. The vast majority are of course not titillating. But shouldn't somebody have questioned the precedent-setting Nut Buster way back in 1942? Similarly, Pussy Galore probably should have raised a few eyebrows in 1965. The filly never won a race, but one assumes she was a big hit with the stallions.

You want explicit commands? How about Blow Me (1945), Get It On (both 1971 and 1986), On Your Knees (1977 and 2005), Spank It (1985), or 1963's Go Down, whose sire, of course, was Service. If a clever play on words is your thing, Cunning Stunt (1969) is a decent one. Lagnaf (1978) is a thinly veiled acronym for "let's all get naked and … ." The names Hardawn (1937) and Wrecked Em (1983) have to be said out loud to elicit the desired potty-mouth effect.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

24 Years Ago Today the World Almost Ended

...not when that perfect Russian almost beat Rocky in Rocky IV, although that would've been devastating to all Americans. No, September 26, 1983 is when a mid-level Russian officer almost pushed a button...

1983: A Soviet ballistics officer draws the right conclusion -- that a satellite report indicating incoming U.S. nuclear missiles is, in fact, a false alarm -- thereby averting a potential nuclear holocaust.

Lt. Col. Stanislav Petrov was duty officer at Serpukhov-15, the secret bunker outside Moscow that monitored the Soviet Union's early-warning satellite system, when the alarm bells went off shortly after midnight. One of the satellites signaled Moscow that the United States had launched five ballistic missiles at Russia.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Like Rocky IV

Russian Guy at the gym approaches a most beautiful woman and spends 10 minutes telling a what she’s doing wrong with her curls. It looks pedantic, but I know what’s really going on here. He’s clearly hitting on her.

Then 15 minutes later he taps me on the shoulder and takes 10 minutes telling me what I’m doing wrong with my rows. And he was absolutely right! I misjudged you and your intentions, Helpful Russian Guy. Thank you.

Controversial Artist Finally Silenced

RIP Marcel Marceau

Friday, September 21, 2007


Greenwashing – A feelgood environmental gesture that makes a symbolic impact, yet does little to alleviate serious problems.

But apparently it’s a smart business move. Good publicity on the cheap.

For companies large and small, going green is now a surefire way to cut through the clutter. A recent issue of the New York Times travel section included a brief article—complete with Web address—describing in loving detail the features of the Proximity Hotel, a green inn in Greensboro, N.C. Some hot hotels feature roofs with happening pool scenes. The Proximity's roof features solar panels and a vegetable garden.

Darn you!

I almost got creamed on my bike this morning. Car from the left completely blows through a red light. Not a yellow, not a just-red, but a full-bodied mature red. One aged at least 5 seconds and served with a bouquet of gape-jawed horror.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Zombie Letdown

Zombie Pfizer Computers Spew Viagra Spam

Zombie. Spew. Viagra. All of these words contributed to a very misleading headline. Filed under D, for disappointing.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Along with the paperless workplace, remember how like in 1998 Videophones were going to revolutionize work so much that you wouldn’t even have to go into the office? That was a great prediction, except that it never happened. Now the same people are predicting that Telepresence is going to revolutionize work so much so you wouldn’t even have to go into the office!

From the Economist:

People in telepresence meetings appear life-sized and the tables and rooms at the two ends to blend together seamlessly. (Rooms, furniture and even wallpaper are often identical, to aid the illusion.) People feel that they are making eye contact, which involves multiple cameras and enormous computing power. The delays in sight and sound must be negligible (ie, below 250 milliseconds, the threshold at which the human brain starts to notice), so that people can interrupt each other naturally. Sounds are perceived to come from the direction of the person speaking.

Bottom line: business people are unlikable. Even to each other. So naturally the world needs an invention that keeps as many of them out of the same room as possible.


I don’t know much about this Andrew W.K. fellow. But from what I hear of his songs, he’s really committed to the cause of partying. Like that song I heard at the gym that contained the word ‘party’ over 50+ times? That song alone could earn him a PhD in Partyology or maybe a Purple Heart after fighting for his right to party.

I’m thinking Andrew W.K. could never just spend a quiet evening at home without fans shouting Judas! Traitor! like they did when Dylan went electric. Deep in this line of thought, standing at my gym locker, an old man calls out to me. He’s wet and of course he’s naked and asks me to get him a towel from the front desk.

It’s distasteful, but I do it out of respect for my elders. It raises questions though. Was he so eager to get naked that he didn’t have a shower exit strategy? Or does he think the gym is his 1920s era country club bustling with towel fetching manservants? And where was he keeping the buffalo nickel he tipped me with?

Overall, I felt embarassed by the encounter but couldn’t politely refuse the old man. Unlike Andrew W.K., who would’ve handled this awkward situation with a little more assertiveness and a lot more party.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I (heart) the ACLU

Of course my first reaction to the whole Senator-Craig-Gay-Bathroom-Stall-Saga was gleeful schadenfreude. When a powerful homophobic Senator gets busted for soliciting sleazy gay sex, that’s just too deliciously perfect! But the more I think about it, why are police officers going into our men’s rooms in the first place? Presumably the socializing going on in the Minneapolis airport bathroom is all victimless and consensual. The whole racket smells of entrapment. And today the ACLU agrees by filing friend-of-the-court brief:

"Sen. Craig has not always been a great friend of civil liberties, but you shouldn't have to endorse the civil liberties of others to keep your own," said ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero, alluding to Craig's history of voting against gay rights. "Sen. Craig has not always been a great friend of civil liberties, but you shouldn't have to endorse the civil liberties of others to keep your own," said ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero, alluding to Craig's history of voting against gay rights.

Hear, hear! You’ve got to admire that the ACLU supports unpopular people and causes who happen to be right with the Mother-Lovin’ Constitution. Our forefathers were pretty explicit that even enormous assholes have the right to privacy, free speech, etc. Also I personally love that even if the ACLU successfully defends the Senator in court, he’s still screwed. And not in the way he was hoping.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Oils well that ends well

An interesting map distorted to show known oil reserves. Notice Europe and Japan have practically shrunk off the face of the earth.

(via Neatorama. click to enlarge)

Is it just me, or are the Gulf States geopolitically like the Beverly Hillbillies? A little goofy, a little backwoods but then one day they’re shootin’ up some food and up from the ground comes abubblin’ crude. Now all of high society folks wans to make nice with them because they’re obscenely rich.

Just switch coonskin caps with head-to-toe burqas and the analogy is right there.

And like the Clampett's they’re always trying to impress the neighbors with ostentatious displays of wealth like this:
(Off the coast of Dubai, "The World" is a grouping of 300 manmade islands created as a planned community for the super-rich. Everyone gets their own private beach)

And this:
(At a cost of $4.1 billion, Al Burj will soon be the world's largest freestanding structure of any type at 555 meters. As a point of comparison, the Sears Tower is 442 meters tall. Tower envy?)

And check out this:

(The planned "Dancing Towers". Maybe you think spending gajillions on buildings made out of Jello isn't the best investment. Well you're not a bored sheik)

In conclusion, yee-haw!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Million-Dollar Invention

Sorry this post isn’t for everyone; just rich investors who want to get super-rich by funding this sure-fire million-dollar business idea. Now I ask potential investors to consider these facts. According to a recent survey of the U.S. Economy*, all new business is concentrated in just 3 booming sectors: ink-jet cartridge refills; pirated copies of Microsoft Vista; and male enhancements.

Focusing on the latter it becomes obvious that the American male has only 3 things that keep him from perfect contentment in life: insufficient lengthiness, improper girthiness and inadequate lasting power. You ever hear about killing two birds with one stone? Well how about a large stone that kills all three!

The Invention: Fat Condoms

The Production Sketch:
The Pitch: Women have unfairly enhanced their beauty for centuries with make-up, shapely undergarments and breast implants. Now it’s time to level the playing field—with science! Fat condoms are like regular condoms, but technology makes them fatter. Nobody has to know your real dimensions, not while wearing spandex bike shorts and definitely not the woman you love!

OK there it is, that’s the product. The business plan should pretty much write itself and we can rake in the $$$$. Let’s make this happen people!

*According to the most comprehensive business survey ever conducted of my Spam folder

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Ad from 1984

OMG. Via Slog.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


"Her Profile Said She Was 18" = = Jail Cell
(via Slog)

Be careful when hooking up with other "adults" online—even if they say they're 18, you'll be the one in hot water if they turn out to be 14 instead. That's the opinion of a federal judge in Ohio, who dismissed a suit last week against, a web site that hosts personals ads by people who are looking for sex. The plaintiff, who went by John Doe due to the very personal nature of the suit, accused the site and its owners of negligent misrepresentation, fraud, and breach of warranty, but Judge Jack Zouhary ruled that the site and its alleged transgressions were protected under the 1996 Communications Decency Act.

Case law is pretty clear on the matter. You can’t expect websites to fact-check information other users choose to share. A few years back, when that guy sold the Virgin Mary that appeared in a grilled cheese sandwich, no one expected eBay to hire the Pope to run the official holy foods authenticity test.

Of course, the burden of age-verification was entirely on the man when he decided to take his relationship off-line. On the other hand, what if the young woman had presented the man with a forged birth certificate in addition to her deceptive online profile? There seems to be willful misrepresentation involved too.

Regardless, the website should be entirely off the hook.

Men, when in doubt:

IF [age verification] is 404
THEN !upload ‘tapping that’ sub-routine
initiate cold shower ELSE pointer [jail]