Friday, May 18, 2007

Pickup Advice

Let’s face it; it’s tough to talk to women you don’t know. In a bar or club it can be hard to introduce yourself, so in the interest of science, here's some field-tested pickup lines that really work:

  • Are you former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan? Because you totally just spiked my interest rate!

    Hi my name is Tommy Lee and I totally don’t have the herpes.

    Do you approve of genetic experiments on animal-human hybrids? Because I’d like to cross you with my Albino Burmese Python [wink]

    I’m only going to talk to you for 2 minutes. Because the ladies like to call me The Swiffer*—the Quicker Picker Upper.

    [If you’re part Italian] Do you have any Italian in you?
    …Because in America that’s a fairly common ethnicity. That and Irish. Do you want to talk about demographics?

    I’m really getting a good vibe talking to you: I think you might just be the Sam to my Frodo. And I’ve got something I badly need to toss into the crack of Mt. Doom.

    Do you come here often? Me, I prefer the privacy of my own home. [wink] By the way, I’m insinuating something about sex. [wink]

    In high school I was the national spelling bee champ, listen: Coitus, C-O-I-T-U-S, coitus. Hey I just noticed that you can’t spell that word without “U” and “I”.



*It’s been pointed out that that’s actually the slogan for Bounty™ paper towels, so maybe it's not so flattering to be called the Swiffer

6 comments:

Nick said...

Not bad, but Tommy Lee had hepatitis...at least he was known for having it and spreading it around.

also, bounty is the quicker picker upper.

Paul said...

Nick,

You're right on both counts! 2 factual errors in one post, that’s just poor workmanship.

I sorta remembered Tommy Lee having an STD that started with an H. But maybe there’s more too? Odds are Dr. Feelgood wasn’t his urologist

jon said...

Good call Nick.
It was Hep C.

Just to add to the bad pu lines:

"My parole officer said I should start hanging out with a new crowd"

jon said...

OOOOH, I just published my comment. Look-out resume published author is about to get on you!

Nick said...

jon,
you may want to vaccinate your resume, because hep C is contagious, and you will be getting on it.

Paul said...

Or don't let your resume bang Tommy Lee. In fact no one should really. It only encourages him.