Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A High-Five, Like a Dream, Deferred

Today, coming back to the office with some lunch, a homeless man offers me a friendly high-five; I start to respond with the expected, but then hesitate and lower my hand. No high-five was consummated and he starts chastising me for not wanting to touch his hand.

I protest something feeble about being in a hurry. Like I’m some sort of high-powered executive single mother CEO who’s always just too busy to high-five everyone. But I’m not, and feel bad. Because he was right, right about the touching thing.

Lunch was an uneaten sandwich.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Fine art can be pretty rewarding. This guy's Law & Order: SVU Valentines are pretty awesome too.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Now that it's instantly dated


At least until 2012.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008



I guess that’s a pretty vague question, but it’s like seeing an ex-girlfriend 8 years later on the street….oh Linda? You think you recognize them, but aren’t 100% sure. So it’s kind of *the* question from the last couple of years. Like in regards to the torture and wire-tapping and whatnot. In terms of recognizability, it’s like putting on a few pounds. And getting a full face-tattoo. Anyway, to answer the question. America?

The answer now is: America!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

The Only Financial News Needed


Wednesday, May 21, 2008


That prediction about Clinton dropping out today was so wrong. Note to self: go back and delete the prior entry so I don't look like a politically uninformed jackass.

New prediction: no more predictions will happen on this blog ever again.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Primary Care

Everyone knows it’s over, but my theory is that the Clinton camp also knows it too and isn’t actually fighting right now. Like a welterweight pulling her punches, she’s just moving her feet and biding time to drop out right after the Oregon primary on May 20th. She’s even taken the unsanctioned metal slugs out of her gloves.

North Carolina was the knock-out; a lot of people are saying that now. 2 months before North Carolina, it was actually already over, but she was hanging in there, hoping for a major Obama screw-up like the classic “found in a hotel room with a dead girl or a live boy”--and also filmed taking a dump on the American flag while smoking a cigarette. That’s the only combination of things that could’ve derailed him and given her the nom. Didn’t happen, but it was worth a shot.

So why wait until Oregon? Because she’s actually going to be a team-player and make Obama look good. The problem is, Clinton will win the 2 unimportant hillbilly states that are up next on the primary schedule: West Virginia and Kentucky*. And it’d look real bad for BHO if she dropped out and still won them. So that’s why she’s waiting until Oregon to be gone.

So here’s my testable prediction: Clinton drops out on May 21st.

So this video will only be funny for the next 9 days and only if you’ve been following the race – but if so this will slay you:

Love the nervous looks on the Nazi officers’ faces as they get reamed again and again, “I’m surrounded with ignorant eunuchs, with cunts for eyes!” There is so much to like about that video.

*Calling a whole state unimportant might be a little offensive, but I was born here so it’s like OK to trash talk those banjo-picking, corn mash-distillin’ motherfuckers. And it’s not like they’ll know how to work a computer to ever read this.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Abraham Lincoln Etiquette

Apparently there are few photos of Abraham Lincoln and none of him at Gettysburg. But now this image just popped up. A new, never-seen before photo that provides conclusive new photo-evidence of Lincoln at Gettysburg before giving his famous Address. How can this picture be anything else?And as a bonus, if you look carefully you can see the Lochness Monster behind the stagecoach (driven by Bigfoot).

Orgy Etiquette in Realtime

Been a fan of the non-fiction side of the Onion AV Club for some time…for some reason this DVD review of Nina Hartley’s Guide To The Perfect Orgy got buried in their “blog” section. This review deserves to live!

Tip #12. Know When to Call it a Day when everyone reaches the same level of “pleasurable exhaustion.” then it’s time to consider wrapping up the orgy.

So wait, if everyone’s worn out and ready to go home, but one couple is still totally going at it, everyone has to wait until they’re done? I can just picture a couple in their coats, holding a small duffle bag with their supplies in hand, keys in the other, silently glaring at the remaining participants. “Fucking blow already! We’ve got to get back for the babysitter!”

I give this DVD review a positive review. It captures the essence of Nina Hartley’s Guide To The Perfect Orgy and lets readers know the pros and cons of purchasing said DVD, which in turn lays out the pros and cons of those little nicities that make a friendly orgy so rewarding. Like thank-you notes.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Brain Gets Tricked -- Porn Turns Us On

When you sit down and think about it, porn shouldn't turn us on. Noone can mate with a magazine or a raise a family with a jpeg. Yet, turn us on it does. Science says our brains are still hard-wired with Stone Age thinking, when an erotic image meant an erotic actuality. Now the two are independent.

When the environment undergoes rapid change within the space of a generation or two, as it has been for the last couple of millennia, if not more, then evolution can’t happen because nature can’t determine which traits to select and which to eliminate. So they remain at a standstill. Our brain (and the rest of our body) are essentially frozen in time — stuck in the Stone Age.

One example of this is that when we watch a scary movie, we get scared, and when we watch porn we get turned on. We cry when someone dies in a movie. Our brain cannot tell the difference between what’s simulated and what’s real, because this distinction didn’t exist in the Stone Age.

Related: Why Do Beautiful Women Sometimes Marry Unattractive Men?

It may be that the unattractive man has a lot of money, or some other compelling attribute.

Compelling attributes, now they tell me! Something I wish I read in college.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Best. Pope. Picture. Ever.

Whether you're a true-blue Pope fan or merely a Pope enthusiast, it's the debate everyone loves talking about...who’s the best Pope, like ever? Any tough guy at the bar can rattle off the blessing stats of Pius IX or cite Gregory I’s impact on liturgy. But for my money, bar none, best pope ever was the late, great John Paul II. He had charisma, he spoke 7 languages and he had doctrine down cold. That’s best Pontiff, pre-Schism or post-Schism. Now check this out:

And there’s the proof. Pope John Paul II just made a breakout move for the Hall of Fame by appearing in freakin’ fire! That kind of showmanship you don’t see anymore and it really gives something back to the fans. That’s what it’s all about people.

And the less said about JPII’s frail successor, the better. Ratzinger sucks. Despite what some deluded people think, he couldn’t sanctify his way out of a brown paper bag. So-called "Pope" Benedict is barely qualified to carry Pope John Paul’s gym clothes, much less carry on the Holy See.

He could appear in 100 clouds, but unless they make egregious sucking a new sacrament, there’s no way Benidict's going to the Hall of Fame.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Name/Color Question

It’s bothering me that all the colors people have for last names only appear on the camouflage pattern. The most common color-names are clearly White, Green, Black and Brown in that order. Why are others so rare? Why no Mr. and Mrs. Purple?

Dismal Science

In honor of the now omnipresent Halloween season with it’s tap-dancing skeletons: How does it feel to die?

None of us can know the answers for sure until our own time comes, but the few individuals who have their brush with death interrupted by a last-minute reprieve can offer some intriguing insights. Advances in medical science, too, have led to a better understanding of what goes on as the body gives up the ghost.

Death comes in many guises, but one way or another it is usually a lack of oxygen to the brain that delivers the coup de grĂ¢ce. Whether as a result of a heart attack, drowning or suffocation, for example, people ultimately die because their neurons are deprived of oxygen, leading to cessation of electrical activity in the brain - the modern definition of biological death. If the flow of freshly oxygenated blood to the brain is stopped, through whatever mechanism, people tend to have about 10 seconds before losing consciousness and several minutes to die.

It’s all here: Drowning, Heart Attack, Blood Loss, Fire, Electrocution, Decapitation, Falling, Hanging, and Explosive Decompression in the Vacuum of Space.

The "Hollywood Heart Attack", featuring sudden pain, desperate chest-clutching and immediate collapse, certainly happens in a few cases. But a typical "myocardial infarction", as medical-speak has it, is a lot less dramatic and comes on slowly, beginning with mild discomfort.

So if an old man is dramatically clutching his chest, blow him off because he's faking. Probably just wants attention because his children don't call.