Doing Phone Sex is Hard, Hard Work

My Brief Career As A Phone-sex Worker

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for a Rich Man

Microsoft billionaire and Microsoft Word inventor Charles Simonyi is set to return from space tomorrow. He paid $25 million to the Russian Space Agency to spend 14 days in orbit with cosmonauts, including a 2-day sojourn at the International Space Station. Mr. Simonyi is the world’s fifth space tourist.

Article.



Some of the space mission’s highlights:

*Charles Simonyi is performing critical scientific experiments in space—such as measuring the effect stacks of $100 bills have on impoverished Cosmonauts

*Simonyi’s boss Bill Gates also plans to spend $25 million on an unforgettable experience and reportedly very excited about having the sex.

*The launch rocket was designed with Russia’s finest engineering and guaranteed to crash only half as often as Microsoft Windows.

*Important mission findings: Major credit cards work just as well in weightlessness and Russian Space Tourism is more tax-deductible than Thai Sex Tourism.

*Space walk to properly honor Simonyi’s contributions to humanity. He and “Clippy” the talking paperclip to be ceremoniously shoved by foot out of airlock

Hamster-Powered Paper Shredder

Another great animal-human synergy in the spirit of the goldfish tank/deep-fryer, except more sanitary.

You shred your sensitive documents without the trouble of pushing a button. And your pet hamster gets exercise and fresh bedding dumped into his cage. It’s a win-win.

Only downside, imagine the Feds are knocking down your door and you’ve got 90 seconds to shred your shoebox full of incriminating papers. In this dire moment of need are you going to count on some glorified rat to put down his food pellet and give a damn about helping you out?

Puts the Men Back in Menstruation

Crossing modern sanitation with Elizabethan-Era Pirates. Well played, Internet, well played. Captain Redbeard would be proud.

Hitting the Bottle

I hate to throw things away, but my bike water bottle of 3 years has worn a hole in the side. So with great reluctance, this daily companion, this $1.50 heirloom, had to be sadly trashed.

I was telling “G” that I discovered the hole in dramatic fashion after getting a face full of water when I squeezed out a drink. The sad thing is, this happened several times throughout the day because I forget about the hole, got thirsty again and ended up sprayed as if by a malicious clown with a seltzer-spewing daisy.

G says: the part of the story that reaffirms that you’ll be the same man I always knew, is the “several times” part.

I think it was a compliment.

Why Easter? Why Bunnies?

This is an interesting article that taught me a thing or two about the holiday coming up on Sunday.

Easter like most other holiday and feast days, are derived from a combination of both Jewish lore and pagan practices. It is named after Eostre, the goddess of fertility and birth, worshipped by first-century pagans at the vernal equinox, who believed she would bless both their families and their crops.

Easter the original remix, or “mash-up” of a holiday. DJs needed to keep people hopping during the spring planting season so they took the solid beats of ancient Judaism and crossed it with some fresh new Pagan grooves. And then they named it all after some club fox goddess called Eostre.

But surely the oddest custom used to take place in the Czech Republic, Hungary and Slovakia, where there was a tradition of spanking or whipping of woman on Easter Monday. In the morning, males throw water at females and spank them with a special handmade whip. The spanking is symbolic and normally not painful or intended to cause suffering. A legend says females should be spanked in order to keep their health and beauty during the next year.

As bizarre as this is, I’ve seen them do it in Hungary. Men will get up extra early and go door-to-door to every woman they know. They’ll splash them with water and perfume. For this, the men are rewarded with drinks and snacks and more drinks. The women of the Czech Republic, Hungary and Slovakia certainly are kept healthy and beautiful, so maybe there’s something to this odd legend.

And besides, how often does your average guy get to perfume and spank attractive women you barely know?

It’s sort of like our Halloween tradition, except you know without the kids and with a whole lot more spanking and drunkenness.

Microsoft Vista - Hasta La Vista, Baby

Regarding Microsoft Vista. Got it, and it sucks.

To summarize the key points here: Vista sucks. You don’t need Vista unless you need more suck in your life.

Like a dinosaur, it’s big and slow. Like a mosquito, it’s pestering you with unnecessary prompts. Doing mundane things like installing software, it’ll stop 3 times and ask you for permission to continue. Much like a high school make-out session.

And as an extra bonus, it doesn’t like you to copy copyrighted music and whatnot. It’s like installing a stern mother on your hard drive, a mother who’s always shaking her head in disapproval at the things you’re doing.

If Vista were free, it’d be overpriced.

Looking back on Microsoft's Vista ad campaign, we should've known there'd be trouble.


The real official slogan is: The “Wow” Starts Now.

As in wow, I can’t believe how much this software sucks.

The World’s Top Sexual Fetish

World’s Top Sexual Fetish Is…[drum roll]….Feet and/or Shoes!


Who knew?

Well scientists now know, and they’re rather pleased with themselves.

Results from the largest global study of sexual kinks ever undertaken show that feet and shoes show that by far the most common turn-ons. “Fetish” in this case meaning something that enhances sexual interest, but is not required for it.

The researchers conducting the survey didn’t ask how many respondents had a white lab coat and/or scientist fetish. Otherwise they could’ve shown them the test tubes.

Researchers from the University of Bologna found that, among sexual preferences for body parts, feet and toes were the most popular, with 47 per cent of those sampled preferring them. They also found that, when it came to objects associated with the body, shoes, boots and other footwear scored 64 per cent.

So when you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Is it really that altruistic…is it? It’s easy to see why women are looking for a good foot, but why are guys so into football? Now it just sounds that much dirtier.

The survey, based on the views of men and women, also revealed some of the more obscure objects of affection. These included 150 people with a penchant for hearing aids.

What’s that you say? I didn’t quite catch that. Speak a little louder into my hearing aid. Oh yeah, like that. Turn that volume up. Filter out the ambient noise. Oh yes. Amplify. Oh god, I love how you amplify that signal!

Some 12 per cent were turned on by underwear, 9 per cent by coats, body fluids and body size, 7 per cent by hair, 5 per cent by muscles, and 4 per cent by genitals and 4 percent by body modifications such as tattooing.

Only 4% have a genital fetish? I was under the impression that everyone was kinda, you know into them. And not just metaphorically. It’s sort of like saying some straight men have a naked lady fetish.


[Via Slog]

Filth.

How to Prepare for a Date

America’s Most Wanted

How to get on the FBI's list of top fugitives

The FBI runs the worlds’ most famous Top Ten List. Unlike Billboard’s Top Ten, which is pretty straightforward as the highest selling albums of the week, the workings of the FBI Fugitive List are murky.

The FBI List doesn’t even rank by body count. Of course Osama Bin Laden is up there, he’s like the Beyonce of the fugitive world, always in demand. But then you have some overrated molesters and drug dealers on the top ten who may not even have killed anyone, much like the American Idol contestants of crime.

Only when an existing Most Wanted gets caught or dies does a spot open up on the list. Aspiring criminals only get one shot at the top and it's a make or break moment. Open slots gets filled by an FBI sub-committee informed by survey results from the Bureau’s 56 field offices. They consider the criminal’s dangerousness but also whether publicity will help bring them to justice. Avril Lavigne will never make the list. She’s talks like she’s dangerous, but isn’t; and publicity just seems to encourage her.

The historically male-dominated Most Wanted List now has a lone female fugitive on it -- which just shows that a woman can do anything a man can do, if she puts her mind to it.

At the gym this afternoon...

There’s this pretty decent-looking older lady, maybe mid-/late-30s, who I swear, kept making orgasm/sex noises while exercising. She’d start a set at one of the machines and be inaudible until the 2nd or 3rd repetition; at which point I’d start hearing little ooooh’s and uhh's, which gradually build in volume. By the 10th rep, it’s pretty awkward and I had trouble concentrating on stupid sit-ups or whatever.

The woman wore these bulky old-school headphones and probably doesn’t know how she sounds. I’d like to be the Good Samaritan and tell her (just like if someone had toilet paper stuck to their shoe, or spinach in their teeth), but how does one broach such a delicate subject without looking like a moist pervert?

The Everyday Detective Agency

Scene: A normal morning at the office, in fact this morning

Scene of the Crime: the Department kitchen

Crime: My personal carton of half-n-half, stolen, in cold-blood*

Estimated Time: Sometime between my 1st cup of coffee this morning and my 2nd cup

Speculated Modus Operandi: The Suspect taps a piping hot cup o’ Joe. Looks in the common fridge and spies the properly labeled half-n-half of one of their co-workers.

He/she nervously looks around for witnesses and decides to “skim a little off the top”. It’s a victimless crime, they reason, no one is getting hurt. But then—oops--they finish the whole carton and cover their tracks by tossing the evidence in the trash. Nobody ever has to know.

But I know--because I rooted around the garbage looking for it. Well Mr./Mrs./Ms. Suspect, it looks like you didn’t count on that – so check and mate.

Psychological Profile: The suspect (or suspects) is, like the victim, an avid coffee drinker. Also like the victim, a creamer snob who thinks they’re too good for the non-dairy creamer-like dust powder that the company provides. Unlike the victim, the suspect however is a raging psychopath who if capable of this may be capable of absolutely anything.

Main Suspect: White people. Consider these 3 related facts:

Who’s always poking around in my Excel files messing up the formulas? White people.

Who works the front-desk and never turns her radio off that soft rock channel? White people.

Who shot Abraham Lincoln? Again, white people

1+1+1 = 3. Case closed.

Through the powers of deduction and a quick glance at the Department roster, the half-n-half Suspect has been positively identified as being of the white persuasion. But, they’re not all like this; some of them are pretty decent people.

In fact, I use to have a good friend once who happened to be white and we’d talk about it like it was no big deal. Everyone knew he wasn’t the one who killed Lincoln, and he was really cool with everyone. Eventually he moved to New Hampshire to be with his own kind.





*Here’s hoping you get lactose intolerance…in hell.

Pencils made out of Human Remains

Hypothetically, let's say I’ve got two major problems:

Problem #1:
Arrrgh -- I just don’t have enough writing implements! Whenever I need to write a note, it seems like there’s nothing at hand!

Problem #2:
Arrrgh -- Grandpa just died and I don’t know what to do with this body! Somebody help!

Well somebody did help, by inventing a way to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Why not cremate Grandpa and turn his ashes into lead pencils? One typical grandpa makes 240 useful pencils! Win-win!

Overweight grandpas will make even more pencils!







http://www.neatorama.com/2007/03/29/from-ashes-to-pencils/

Sure it’s reassuring to know someone’s looking out for you from heaven. But wouldn’t it be even more reassuring to have them with you during times of need—like whenever you took a Scan-tron test?

Feel-Good Family Fun Story from the Old Country!

The following is a continuing series, that attempts to, if not explain, then at least examine the philosophical differences between a certain "G" and myself.

We we're talking about “family values” and G shares following fun family story from the old country:

During WWI, my grandmother’s grandmother, Anna, was widowed in a small farming town. She was a large, strong woman who after her husband disappeared in the war re-married to a small, lazy man named Laszlo. He was a useless drunk who spent all of the family’s income at the town’s only pub.

One night, Lazlo comes home stone drunk and starts punching the stove. Back in those days, they were wood-burning with hot metal stovetop rings to regulate the fire. One of these rings lands on his hands and he starts to scream. Anna wakes from the commotion and instead of removing the hot ring holds Laszlo’s hands in the air so he can’t free himself, “So you want to punch our stove! Punch it with these.“

He passes out from pain and drink. When he wakes up the next day with huge blisters on his hands; he asks Anna what happened. Anna responds, “How should I know, you shouldn’t drink so much!”

At this point G is laughing uproariously. My jaw has dropped about 45 degrees from horizontal.

The story continues some weeks later with Laszlo stumbling home drunk again. He loudly shouts, “Woman! I’m hungry--make me a sausage sandwich!” She shouts back for him go get fucked. He stumbles into the smokehouse (a shack where they used to preserve meat) angrily knocking sausage strands into the dirt. Anna bursts in and starts beating him with a fallen sausage, “You want sausage? I’ll give you sausage, you miserable drunkard!”

He’s ineptly fighting back and she calls in the children to sit on his legs while she grabs a broom. With him restrained, Anna uses the handle and proceeds to beat his shins into bloody shin-pulp. He passes out.

The next morning he wakes up and asks his wife why he can’t walk. She again responds “How should I know, you shouldn’t drink so much.”

Somehow my jaw had dropped a few more degrees, “All this really happened--and you’re actually related to these people? What the fuck?!"

G just laughs more uproariously, “Oh don’t be such an uptight prude, he totally had it coming.”

The story again continues some time later. Laszlo is drunk and the neighbors hear another explosive argument from the couple. Then nothing. According to Anna, she threw his clothes out the window and politely asked him to leave. He was never seen by anyone in town again. According to the neighbors, she probably just hit him too hard on the head and dumped his body in an abandoned well.

Me: stunned silence.

G: Pretty cool story huh?

Me: No, it’s pretty un-cool. That’s an absolutely horrible story.

G: Well, I say good for that Anna! She really stood up for herself. And besides nobody knows for sure what happened to that worthless Laszlo. Anyway, he probably beat her too.

Me: Uh, maybe, but that woman sounds like a vindictive husband murderer, and you’re related to her, making you a woman of murderer-descent.

G: She did what she had to. I think it’s a good story because she’s, you know, like an early feminist, a woman who refuses to be a victim. The story also shows that she was an early advocate against alcohol abuse; which was really progressive back then.

Small fry

A new Japanese invention.

Goldfish aquarium combined with a deep fryer. The hot oil floats on top and doesn’t hurt the fish, and they get to eat the crumbs that fall out of the fryer.

Now, that's just some cool synergy.

Reminds me of the old saying:

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; teach a man how to build a fryer/aquarium and he’ll eat fish until the health inspector shuts him down.

(Via BoingBoing)