Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The G-Files: Case of the Last Will and Testament

Background: “G” is an all to real person although she may seem fictional. This is her story.

[Scene: Car interior in late December. Car is driving to local Barnes & Nobles for my parents’ Christmas gifts]

G: Paul, I was thinking, so what do you want me to give you for Christmas this year?

Paul: Well, we both hate the materialism of the season, which kinda makes everyone forget what’s really important. So I think I’d just like to get a simple…homemade…blowjob.

G: Ha ha!

Paul: No I’m completely serious.

G: Well I know what you can get me. Get me an address book…you know, for addresses. All I need is a book to write people’s addresses.

Paul: I can address that issue of yours.
[pause, but there is no laughter or acknowledgement]
Well anyway, you’re an easy woman to please, and I like it.

G: And I already know what I’m giving you for Christmas.

Paul: Ooh what, something festive? [I’m imagining a new laptop, or an espresso machine, or a 12-Days of Christmas set of blowjobs]

G: Are you ready?….A Living Will! Isn’t that cool? So if I’m in the hospital on breathing machines I’ll give you complete control to pull the plug. I’ve been reading about euthanasia and people can waste away in a vegetable state with no brain activity but the doctors will keep them hanging on. I’ll type up a legal document and wrap it up with a bow—that way you can decide when I’ll die.

Paul: [after a few horrified seconds] That…that is pretty much the worst Christmas gift I’ve ever heard of.

G: No it isn’t, it’s really good because it shows I trust you.

[We pull into the Barnes & Noble parking lot and seamlessly move to the next conversation topic, a raging argument about “Batman Begins”]


Twisted Humor said...

And for Valentine's Day did you pick out His & Her coffins?

And why would a woman ever ask her man what he wants as a gift? Just as you said, the answer is ALWAYS... blow job, please.

And not that usual Tuesday night half-assed effort. C'mon girls, put some neck-action into it! Make it special!

Paul said...

The matching coffins were pretty romantic--but just like a woman--she really had her eye on some fancy satin-lined coffin she saw while window-shopping. It’s heart-shaped and big enough to comfortably accommodate both our bodies.