Best. Pope. Picture. Ever.

Whether you're a true-blue Pope fan or merely a Pope enthusiast, it's the debate everyone loves talking about...who’s the best Pope, like ever? Any tough guy at the bar can rattle off the blessing stats of Pius IX or cite Gregory I’s impact on liturgy. But for my money, bar none, best pope ever was the late, great John Paul II. He had charisma, he spoke 7 languages and he had doctrine down cold. That’s best Pontiff, pre-Schism or post-Schism. Now check this out:


And there’s the proof. Pope John Paul II just made a breakout move for the Hall of Fame by appearing in freakin’ fire! That kind of showmanship you don’t see anymore and it really gives something back to the fans. That’s what it’s all about people.


And the less said about JPII’s frail successor, the better. Ratzinger sucks. Despite what some deluded people think, he couldn’t sanctify his way out of a brown paper bag. So-called "Pope" Benedict is barely qualified to carry Pope John Paul’s gym clothes, much less carry on the Holy See.


He could appear in 100 clouds, but unless they make egregious sucking a new sacrament, there’s no way Benidict's going to the Hall of Fame.

Invention: SalvationBots

I invented this back during the original Transformers craze. Who’s getting left out here? Evangelical Christians, that’s who. A lot of parents I knew growing up wouldn’t let there kids play with “secular” toys because they feared they were a gateway for the devil’s influence. And Transformers didn’t allay their fears any because of those vaguely demonic-looking icons.

I felt bad for my evangelical classmates, who so badly wanted Transformers, but couldn’t have them. So I thought of a way to help them (and make millions $$$ tapping a niche toy market). The answer: The SalvationBots™. Imagine the everyday objects you have around the house: a crucifix, a pillow-sized Bible, rosary beads, another crucifix.

Now imagine that those objects not only help you enter the kingdom of heaven….but…they also TRANSFORM into powerful fighting robots! They’d fight a righteous battle with the evil TempationCons™ armed with FaithBlasters™. Here’s my crude production sketch for Soul Winner Prime™


Anyway, contact me if you want to invest in this. Serious replies only!


P.S. Bonus awesome image from the internet:

Mandaeans – the Most Deeply Screwed Religion

I never even heard of them, but Harper’s had an interesting mini-article on these ancient people of mysterious origins. They only live in a small area on Iraq-Iran border (prime vacation real estate!) and only right on a major river (for reasons noted below). There were only 60,000 left there in the 90s. maybe 5,000 now. Oh yeah, and they don’t care for Jews, Christians and especially Muslims who also happen to completely surround them. And their religion prohibits them from carrying guns or participating in violence.

In short, Mandaeans are in serious trouble, like Dodo-level trouble or Shaker trouble, but without the handmade furniture.

Quotes from the Harper’s article:

[Mandaeans] live, or lived, on the Iraq-Iran border; who knows how many are left? They are old, older than Islam; who knows how old? Some say they are heretical Jews, some say one of the Nazarene Christian sects, some a branch of Gnosticism or Manichaeanism: some say they came from Ceylon.

They believe they are the descendants of Noah's son Shem. All the other peoples of the earth descend from the union of Noah and a demon who disguised herself as Noah's wife.

They dislike the Jews, whom they call "an evil nation" founded by the renegade Mandaeans Abraham and Moses, a people whose husbands abandon their wives and lie down with each other. They believe that Jerusalem was created when seven evil stars slept with their mother.

They say the Christians have secret rites in which they worship a female donkey with three legs. And Jesus is a false Messiah.

They call Muhammad the "son of the butcher," and believe that he is Mars, the planet of violence, and the lord of the end of time. They say that he "propagates a shout that is not a shout."

They say that Socrates was a Mandaean.

They recognize all the major figures of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, but believe that all three members of the fun-loving monotheistic club are big phonies. But there is one figure Mandaeans revere: John the Baptist (you know the Baptism guy, Baptistised Jesus). And to this day they baptize almost everything…i.e. they dunk it in water, often, to bless it…babies, horses, the food they cook -- and they require dunking in flowing river water. Sanitation be damned.

They are baptized, with total immersion, once a week, and also baptized when they have been polluted: traveling among Muslims or foreigners, or forced to accept food or drink from them; eating fruits or vegetables that have not been purified in running water; being bitten by an animal; having quarreled with someone; contact with blood, whether from a nosebleed or menstruation; having touched a Mandaean who was in a state of pollution:

They cannot drink water from a tap or a bottle, for that "cuts" or kills the water. Only free-flowing water, from a river or spring, is alive.

In conclusion, Mandaeans have to live surrounded by free-flowing water…in the desert. Encircled by people who they hate…and who hate them. In a country that has descended into full-scale civil war…without weapons of any kind. And they don’t accept children from mixed marriges or converts...not that people were lining up to join anyway.

7/30 Update: from the comments a fascinating 7-min video on the Manaeans: video link

The Lamb Shall Lay with the Lion

Say What?

Larry Flynt and Jerry Falwell we’re personal friends?

That’s just…surprising. You’ll remember in the 70’s Falwell sued him for $50 million (which was a lot of money back then), because Flynt published a full-page “interview” with the Reverend where he claimed to have lost his virginity…in an outhouse…to his own mother.

See back then, that was considered somewhat offensive. But the Supreme Court did the right thing and said offensive speech is still free speech and you don't get $50 million for having your feelings hurt.

Now for some hot, hot lamb on lion action!

WWJRSS?

The Stranger, as always, brings it. Thanks Stranger!

(click to enlarge)

Limbo

Limbo, for those not in the know is a halfway house between Heaven and Hell. It’s where babies who died before getting baptized go. They’re innocent, so they can’t go to Hell; but they also didn’t have a baptism for acceptance into the church, so they can’t really go to Heaven either. But there’s a solution: Limbo. Limbo is also where righteous people who lived before the time of Christ go: Adam, Eve, Moses, Socartes, Fred Flintsone--there all there—hanging out with millions of fetuses and premature babies.

Limbo solved some awkward dilemmas for the medieval church. Jesus Christ is the only way to Heaven, but it looks really bad to say Moses and stillborn babies are roasting in Hell. It was supposed to be a pretty nice place, but not amazing like Heaven was. Probably only had basic cable, but souls confined to Limbo were said to be eternally content but wouldn’t know the over the top bliss of being one with God.

That worked well enough for 800 years or so, but last Friday the Vatican announced that Limbo was abolished. Gone. It’s like getting kicked out of a rent controlled apartment. Purgatory still exists as a Hell-Lite to work off your sins—but nobody wants to move there—souls suffer in torment and there’s no cable service at all.

Slate asks, what happens to all the babies who use to be in Limbo?

Raises some important questions: when celestial real estate gets bulldozed, where do the former tenants go? Are they flapping around homeless in the clouds? I’d imagine as eternal babies (or fetuses) they don’t have too many useful job skills and even less working experience on their resumes. Ex-Limbo dwellers are going to have a hard time getting back on their feet, assuming they had even developed feet.

Why Easter? Why Bunnies?

This is an interesting article that taught me a thing or two about the holiday coming up on Sunday.

Easter like most other holiday and feast days, are derived from a combination of both Jewish lore and pagan practices. It is named after Eostre, the goddess of fertility and birth, worshipped by first-century pagans at the vernal equinox, who believed she would bless both their families and their crops.

Easter the original remix, or “mash-up” of a holiday. DJs needed to keep people hopping during the spring planting season so they took the solid beats of ancient Judaism and crossed it with some fresh new Pagan grooves. And then they named it all after some club fox goddess called Eostre.

But surely the oddest custom used to take place in the Czech Republic, Hungary and Slovakia, where there was a tradition of spanking or whipping of woman on Easter Monday. In the morning, males throw water at females and spank them with a special handmade whip. The spanking is symbolic and normally not painful or intended to cause suffering. A legend says females should be spanked in order to keep their health and beauty during the next year.

As bizarre as this is, I’ve seen them do it in Hungary. Men will get up extra early and go door-to-door to every woman they know. They’ll splash them with water and perfume. For this, the men are rewarded with drinks and snacks and more drinks. The women of the Czech Republic, Hungary and Slovakia certainly are kept healthy and beautiful, so maybe there’s something to this odd legend.

And besides, how often does your average guy get to perfume and spank attractive women you barely know?

It’s sort of like our Halloween tradition, except you know without the kids and with a whole lot more spanking and drunkenness.

Book of Banana 3:16

Of all the imitators of YouTube, again, GodTube delivers the goods. I can't help but wonder how long this is going to last. PornoTube will no doubt be here to stay for years. BeastTube will no doubt be shut down by the authorities any minute. But the administrators of GodTube have to be wondering if people are linking to them for all the wrong reasons...


This is the same "Way of the Master" clip that that was on TV that calls the modest Banana the “Atheist's Worst Nightmare”. This is fruit-based logic at it's most logical.

March 21st - Happy Vernal Equinox Day

It's not an important holiday in modern times, but in traditional agrarian cultures the Vernal Equinox meant farmers could start planting without fear of late frost. So every year it was celebrated with elaborate public festivals--the Venereal Equinox not as much-- although it did involve a lot more private scratching.

Learn all about it: over here.

‘Tis spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love—and plowing*

True fact: Did you know the Vernal Equinox is the reason that that the Vatican employees actual astronomers? Easter is timed to occur on the first Sunday after the first full moon that follows the vernal equinox.

Why the Holy See has to hire an expensive team of PhDs to figure this out instead of just say looking at a calendar remains, like many things, mysterious and divine.


*anonymous NSA plowing

GodTube

GodTube is the new YouTube

Presenting Exhibit A: Baby Got Bible

Jesus Shaves

Since it started happening to me, I’ve had an odd fascination with shaving. Specifically, how the large toiletry corporations got involved in a personal grooming ritual that is by all appearances very private. (My Bathroom's Tourist Motto: "What Happens in My Bathroom, Stays In My Bathroom") Gillette, Bic, Norelco, Schick, Braun. They’re all monsters by market capitalization and you'd think they'd be satisfied owning our faces. Oh no.


Recently, Norelco (now Phillips-Norelco) and their marketing team made the admittedly logical conclusion that they could sell more shaving equipment if men would only stop being so selfish and start shearing their entire body. So they came out with some internet ads for a product called BodyGroom (TM).

This is a recent article about it with a great tag-line.

How To Shave The Modern Male In which a helpful corporate giant encourages you to please groom your crotch. Truly [link via Slog]

The pitch is clear. Gary will tell you, straight out, that the Bodygroom will "help make your d-ck look bigger." This is a theme and a key selling point. He will also tell you, with a (winking) straight face, that the Bodygroom is "the convenient, easy, gentle way to make your genitals bloom." And if you ask him if women really prefer a well-groomed man, he will snicker in disbelief and barely be able to contain his laughter before composing himself, looking straight at the camera and deadpanning, "Yes, yes they do."

In fact, the opening introduction alone addresses your average American frat guy's naggingly homophobic concerns right from the start. Gary even admits to it himself: "Let me tell you, this whole issue [of genital grooming] used to make me quite un-comfortable. But now, with a hair-free back, well-groomed shoulders and an extra optical inch on my c-ck, let's just say life has gotten pretty darn cozy."

You will smile and say to yourself, wait, this is Philips Norelco? This is a major manufacturer of mountains of Chinese-made consumer products? Are they insane?

Oh my god, it's the most beautiful advertising message. Perhaps ever. Apparently BodyGroom is selling very well by making your genitals “bloom” like a precious rosebud and by adding an "optical inch" down there--stereotypical male insecurities. But is the optical inch really going to fool anyone? A woman must kinda like you to begin with just to see it—at which point she’s probably not on the fence anymore.

As with all important grooming decisions, one must ask what would Jesus do? Not shave apparently--the Bible is extremely specific on this topic.

Do. not. shave.

In Leviticus 19:27, God explicitly forbids shaving one's beard or the hair on the side of their head (sideburns). But here's the odd thing, God however was conspicuously silent on scrotal shaving. Old Testament and New Testament he had plenty of pages to forbade, or at least admonish-- but not a peep.




Bonus Link: One man’s horror as he discovers…the unthinkable.
Transsexual shaving cream can.

Growing Pains Star Wants you to Meet a Special Man

As a child of the late 80s, I watched most every episode of Growing Pains. Not because it was good, but because it was on. Even back then, we kids knew it was a cheap knockoff of Family Ties. Which truth be told, was not exactly a TV masterpiece.

But where has the show’s star been since then?

I vaguely knew that Kirk Cameron had found Jesus. And had become not just a Christian, but a pretty fringe Evangelical Christian.

He’s no longer famous, but is “famous” in the Evangelical world. He’s the star of the “Left Behind” movies. You never heard of them?

Long story short: In one moment all the world’s Christians get sucked back up to heaven leaving piles of clothes all over the place and causing car-wrecks, now pilot-less planes to crash, etc. After that, the people “left behind” have to battle the anti-Christ who appears as a powerful and charismatic leader from the UN (that’s how you know it’s fiction) bent on destroying the world. Most of the world beginning with Israel gets destroyed anyway and we all learn an important lesson about salvation. Or something.

Does that make sense? I guess you just had to be there.

Anyhow Kirk Cameron is not just battling the Devil in the movies, but he’s doing it in real life. With his new show The Way of the Master (tagline: “Seek and Save the Lost the Way Jesus Did”*)

Way of the Master has nothing to do about martial arts and everything to do with taking a camera crew out and cornering “unsaved” people in malls, on sidewalks, at music festivals and “having a rap session about Jesus”. It must be seen to be believed.

Kirk Cameron basically gets people to admit to ever lying, to ever stealing and to ever looking at pretty women with “lust”. Then he turns around and calls them Liars and Thieves and Adulterers (in their minds). And as you can imagine, that pretty seamlessly segues into a sales pitch about Jesus.

These are real people and their reactions range anything from polite indifference to argumentative annoyance. But never, never, never in watching the show have I seen them actually “save” anyone. No one ever goes, "gee where can I find out more about this, what was his name, Jesus something?" It is unintentionally hilarious.

Wow, someone else did a comic based on stumbling upon this same show:

Apparently there’s a bit they do on the show where they hold up a banana and call it “the atheists worst enemy”. The reasoning goes something like this:

#1 The banana is both nutritious and delicious to people.

#2 The banana fits easily in a person’s hand and even curves into their mouth

#3 The banana is so perfect for us and could not have evolved, but was rather created by God specifically for his children.

I’m with them in step #1; and step #2 could refer to a penis, but I suppose it’s true for bananas too. But step #3, that is one crazy leap. I suppose you have banana-lovers who are following them up to this point nodding their heads and some % of them are going to let that good feeling about bananas carry them all the way through step #3.

Take that, you dirty ape atheists!

*Jesus apparently did his work with a full camera crew and ex-child-actors