So very, very, very literal.

Thomas the Train: Causes Autistism?

Maybe that’s a wildly unproven speculation, but consider this.

Fact #1
In the past 17 years, Thomas the Tank Engine has undeniably become a marketing juggernaut. The videos make hundreds of millions, despite having no original theater release* and the merchandise earns far more.

Fact #2
Rates of autism have skyrocketed since to 90s.

If you’ve known a toddler, you know that for them Thomas runs a powerful personality cult that’d make Jim Jones blush.

Sure the People’s Temple held some sway and convinced 900+ people to make some rather, ill-informed choices, but it could never match the long-term influence of the talking train lurking in every parent's DVD player.

Thomas says he needs a bath; they suddenly need a bath. Thomas needs more coal; and now they want coal for breakfast. Thomas says jump; they say how high?

Children are transfixed. A locomotive charismatic only comes along once in a lfetime -- and nobody has yet denied that he's built an army. An army with malleable minds and small hands. Their only weakness, besides literal weakness, is an early bedtime.

But, did you know for a certain subset of kids, the obsession for all things Thomas extends much deeper into their lives? Autistic children love Thomas well past toddler-hood and late into their childhoods. Here’s a mother talking about her two autistic sons:

My sons are technically teenagers (age 13 and 15), but they're unaware of the implications. They have no interest in fashion, mobile phones, the internet, iPods, parties, alcohol. As far as tastes and interests go, they're still stuck on the Island of Sodor with Thomas the Tank Engine, which is cosy, if a little dull.

For children on the autistic spectrum, a very common problem is “face blindness” or the inability to understand what another person is feeling based on their facial expression. Thomas videos actually help, due to their choppy stop-motion animation with exaggerated facial expressions frozen in place for several seconds. Apparently this helps autistics make sense out of a world that doesn’t make sense, and aids in understanding the alien concept of emotions.

Autistic children respond to this and watch Thomas well past the age that most others have moved on. And that's why autistics will be the elite shock troops in next year's devestating toddler uprising.




*Same business model as the direct-to-video porn industry, with much more success. Maybe they just need more trains.

Star Wars Romeo

There are two types of people in the world. Those, that when a romantic situation calls for it, can quote a little Star Wars dialogue. And those that can’t.

These are only for the Don Juan’s out there. Who don’t have cable and can't watch Robot Chicken.

Part 1 of 3



Part 2 of 3



Part 3 or 3




[Link via Tom - thanks]

The Stranger has good headlines

The title just grabs you. Baby Dumbfuck

Related: Baby Einstein smackdown

Our First President

In grade school, all us kids had reports due on the Founding Fathers, so I stayed up into the night rewording the encyclopedia entry on George Washington. It was hard work, but at an early age taught an important lesson about appropriating other people’s hard work.

Still it was easier than writing an encyclopedia entry from scratch – and the Britannica people basically just copied Washington’s life in the first place, so who’s the real victim here? Anyway, I wished that someday all that boring information would be condensed into a 2-1/2 minute video. And now that wish has come true.

George Washington

Note to all 5th graders: this is the most vetted source of George Washington information known to historians. Please base your in-class report solely on this video and do not consult any other sources like books or adults or other children as they will only confuse the issue.

Related: Founding Fathers Erotica

The New Future of Culture

New cultural trends can seem strange and threatening at first, then they become accepted and mainstream. Older members of society at one time considered the Tango, movies, even the novel to be mere degenerate fads. They just didn’t get it. Then the new forms became established and even “classic”. We don’t often get the chance to witness the emergence of a new art form; a new tradition; a new plank of our culture--until now.



Try to understand the psychology here:

---Some teenage guys are hanging out – OK
---They have a video camera – OK
---They want to impress girls and make a statement – OK, we’ve all been there.

Now the average person wouldn’t take these simple facts and jump to the extraordinary conclusion that these young men did – and that’s why history forgets the average person. These men will have cities named after them.

Book of Banana 3:16

Of all the imitators of YouTube, again, GodTube delivers the goods. I can't help but wonder how long this is going to last. PornoTube will no doubt be here to stay for years. BeastTube will no doubt be shut down by the authorities any minute. But the administrators of GodTube have to be wondering if people are linking to them for all the wrong reasons...


This is the same "Way of the Master" clip that that was on TV that calls the modest Banana the “Atheist's Worst Nightmare”. This is fruit-based logic at it's most logical.