Monday, March 19, 2007

Lady Justice

Recent Harper’s Index Item:

*Amount Judge Judy’s salary last year exceeded the combined salaries of the US Supreme Court: $23,243,000

No way, that just can’t be true--Harpers committed a typo.

Turns out it’s true. Supreme Court Justice is a pretty good gig if you can get it…the average SC Justice has a $194,000 salary, which is enough to keep anyone in black robes and cans of Coke. If you’re especially ambitious you can work your way to the top and become the SC Chief Justice for a nice little raise. The top guy pulls down $203,000. Of course they’re all working hard hearing cases, setting precedent, writing opinions and generally defining how the nation’s laws are to be interpreted.

Judge Judy on the other hand is a former judge acting as an arbiter in Small Claims Court where the maximum settlement is $5,000 and no lawyers are present. Mostly it’s next-door neighbors complaining about each other. Needless to say history-altering legal precedent is not being set in her chambers.

Judge Judy’s in the 3rd year of a $100 million 4-year contract meaning she got paid $25 million for last year. So mathematically she’s 14 times as important as the entire Supreme Court and 123 times as awesome as Chief Justice Roberts.

As the following chart proves:

She’s also a million times better than Judge Joe Brown times Judge Wapner. Based on belittling skills.

And even though King Solomon was the most famous judge of all (he’s the one who decided that two women claiming the same baby should each get half*) and absolute ruler of his people AND had 300 wives and 700 concubines—I’m pretty sure Judge Judy makes more money than he ever did too. And that’s just got to sting.

Related: The World’s Richest Bailiff

Byrd's [Judge Judy’s Bailiff] duties aren't onerous. He spends a fair amount of time doing crosswords that he affixes to an official-looking clipboard when the cameras are rolling.

* Case of Baby vs. Sharp Knife (later reversed on appeal)


Funny MySpace Pictures said...

I think Judge Judy should replace the Supreme Court. Here's why:

1 - The Supreme Court sometimes takes YEARS to come to a ruling. If Judge Judy can't come to a decision after 12 minutes, then she will certainly have it solved immediately following the commercial break.

2 - The Supreme Court writes long, boring explanations of their decisions that no one reads. Judge Judy explains herself in clear slogans like, "Baloney!" and "You're an idiot!"

3 - The current Supreme Court Justices rarely insult the defendent's intelligence, attractiveness, or sense of fashion. Maybe this is why the TV ratings of The Supreme Court are 0 while Judge Judy's ratings are through the roof.

4 - There has never been a female Chief Justice. Nor has their been a Chief Justice who mocks the plaintiff by asking, "Is the word 'stupid' written across my forehead?!"

5 - Supreme Court Justices are barely qualified for their position when you consider that they have never been in direct competition with daytime talk shows, soap operas, game shows, and reruns of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

6 - Can you remember even ONE famous wise saying orginating from The Supreme Court? Because Judge Judy once declared, "Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting." I don't care if you studied law at Harvard, you can't argue with that logic.

Paul said...

You make some compelling arguments, like that plaintiff guy who’s neighbor ran over his mailbox. It only took Judge Judy 12 minutes to make the defendant buy him a new one.

The current Supreme Court is all like Habeas Corpus this and Brown vs. Board of Education that and blah blah blah...nobody wants to hear it, otherwise they’d have their own shows.

And if they had any fashion sense, they wouldn’t dress exactly like their co-workers—what a bunch of tools.