Sunday, March 4, 2007

Coalition of the Swimming

In addition to chimpanzees and snow leopards, it looks like animal week continues here with local news story.

And it comes from Newsweek (full disclosure: I'm a self-loathing subscriber) which sometimes borders on parody. Like the following article, is this for real?

Actual Newsweek Title:Coalition of the Swimming

Actual Newsweek Graphic:

Actual story: The Navy said it needs to bolster security at Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor, on the Puget Sound close to Seattle.The base is home to submarines, ships and laboratories and is potentially vulnerable to attack by terrorist swimmers and scuba divers. The preferred plan would be to send as many as 30 California sea lions and Atlantic Bottlenose dolphins from the Navy's Marine Mammal Program, based in San Diego.

Dolphins are excellent at patrolling for swimmers and divers. When a Navy dolphin detects a person in the water, it drops a beacon. This tells a human interception team where to find the suspicious swimmer. Sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If the animal finds a rogue swimmer, it can clamp the cuff around the person's leg. The individual can then be reeled in for questioning.

(1) Is America attacked so often by sinister SCUBA DIVERS to justify a program like this? Once snorkels are criminalized, only criminals will snorkel.

(2) If sea lions can really chase down and cuff a suspect, why is it the only jobs they get are clapping their fins at the circus?

(3) The dolphin to the left looks like it's packing some serious heat on it's starboard fin. Halt! You have the right to remain silent and squeeee-squek-squee-eeeee.

(4) Are sea lions going to make trustworthy cops, or will their integrity be compromised the first time a perp bribes them with a smelt?

No comments: