Friday, March 16, 2007

Get rid of the Dollar

No more dollars!

So like, hey man, can I have your dollar? I gotta buy me a sandwich. Anything helps.

This year, the United States Treasury is trying to replace the one-dollar bill with a one-dollar coin. As the article notes, this is the fourth time they’ve tried to do this. The other 3 were failures:

There are good reasons to use dollar-coins vs. dollar-bills. Coins cost 3 times much to make, but last on average 30 years vs. a mere 22-months for a paper bill.

It’s one of those things like adopting the Metric system that makes sense. It’ll save the US Treasury money in the long run and other countries already do it, but also nobody cares.

From Slate:

But back to dollar bills: Why keep producing them? The Bureau of Engraving and Printing pumps out 3.4 billion fresh singles every year. Pressure from bill partisans at the BEP even kneecapped the Sacagawea ad campaign. According to the GAO, "an informal Treasury restriction" prohibited the Mint from suggesting that a coin was superior to a bill.

One TV spot showcasing a frustrating vending-machine moment (vvmp-vvvvmp, vvmp-vvvvmp) was scotched, after a combative meeting at the Treasury, on the grounds that it "negatively portrayed the dollar bill."

Who on earth thinks like this? People who have a vested interest in producing dollar bills, that's who. They come, principally, from three groups: The Bureau of Engraving and Printing; Mississippi cotton farmers, whose fibers make up the 100-percent-rag currency paper; and Crane & Company, a Massachusetts paper mill known for excellent stationery and a century-old papermaking contract with the government.

I love the battle-royale of big special interests that’s shaking up:

· Vending Machine Industry (people spend more money when it’s in coin form and it’s cheaper to not fit machines with bill readers)
· Mining Interests (copper, zinc)
· Coin Collectors (people who live with their mothers)

· Cotton Growers (the bills are 100% cotton fiber)
· Specialty Paper/Ink Suppliers
· Strippers' G-string Alliance
· People who do coke

It's pretty much a toss-up. But this time the US Treasury Department is taking no chances and have developed some sure-fire ad slogans to convince the American public to switch from dollar bills to dollar coins:

Ad #1
[scene: children sitting with elderly woman in front of a fireplace]

"Grandma, tell us another long-winded story about driving the Model-T Ford to a vaudeville show and paying using paper one-dollar bills.”

[Announcer voice-over: “Paper Dollars…Grandma…Pterodactyls….They’re all extinct. Evolve with the new Dollar Coin – It’s So Money! ™”]

Ad #2
[scene: Superbowl MVP directly shouting into camera]

"Hi, I'm Peyton Manning and I'm here to tell you just one thing: only monumental pussies still use dainty little paper doll-ars! Dollar coins: it's a Currency Touchdown!"

[fade out, next scene: MVP is shown in hottub with 3 bikini models. Dollar coins shower down from the ceiling]

Ad #3

Ad #4
[scene: man enters a crowded coffee shop]

"I used to be just a normal wimpy guy until the US Treasury Dept. convinced me that real manly men pay by slapping down a gleaming hunk of metal on the counter and motherfuckin’ roaring “Iced Soy Latte!!!” right into the barista’s ear"

[fade out, next scene: man is shown smoking in bed with the attractive barista. Dollar coins shower down from the ceiling]

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