Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Jesus Shaves

Since it started happening to me, I’ve had an odd fascination with shaving. Specifically, how the large toiletry corporations got involved in a personal grooming ritual that is by all appearances very private. (My Bathroom's Tourist Motto: "What Happens in My Bathroom, Stays In My Bathroom") Gillette, Bic, Norelco, Schick, Braun. They’re all monsters by market capitalization and you'd think they'd be satisfied owning our faces. Oh no.

Recently, Norelco (now Phillips-Norelco) and their marketing team made the admittedly logical conclusion that they could sell more shaving equipment if men would only stop being so selfish and start shearing their entire body. So they came out with some internet ads for a product called BodyGroom (TM).

This is a recent article about it with a great tag-line.

How To Shave The Modern Male In which a helpful corporate giant encourages you to please groom your crotch. Truly [link via Slog]

The pitch is clear. Gary will tell you, straight out, that the Bodygroom will "help make your d-ck look bigger." This is a theme and a key selling point. He will also tell you, with a (winking) straight face, that the Bodygroom is "the convenient, easy, gentle way to make your genitals bloom." And if you ask him if women really prefer a well-groomed man, he will snicker in disbelief and barely be able to contain his laughter before composing himself, looking straight at the camera and deadpanning, "Yes, yes they do."

In fact, the opening introduction alone addresses your average American frat guy's naggingly homophobic concerns right from the start. Gary even admits to it himself: "Let me tell you, this whole issue [of genital grooming] used to make me quite un-comfortable. But now, with a hair-free back, well-groomed shoulders and an extra optical inch on my c-ck, let's just say life has gotten pretty darn cozy."

You will smile and say to yourself, wait, this is Philips Norelco? This is a major manufacturer of mountains of Chinese-made consumer products? Are they insane?

Oh my god, it's the most beautiful advertising message. Perhaps ever. Apparently BodyGroom is selling very well by making your genitals “bloom” like a precious rosebud and by adding an "optical inch" down there--stereotypical male insecurities. But is the optical inch really going to fool anyone? A woman must kinda like you to begin with just to see it—at which point she’s probably not on the fence anymore.

As with all important grooming decisions, one must ask what would Jesus do? Not shave apparently--the Bible is extremely specific on this topic.

Do. not. shave.

In Leviticus 19:27, God explicitly forbids shaving one's beard or the hair on the side of their head (sideburns). But here's the odd thing, God however was conspicuously silent on scrotal shaving. Old Testament and New Testament he had plenty of pages to forbade, or at least admonish-- but not a peep.

Bonus Link: One man’s horror as he discovers…the unthinkable.
Transsexual shaving cream can.


Twisted Humor said...

Since "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" a man MUST use the Gillete Fusion Razor with Hydra Gel on his balls.

Paul said...

So it is written.

Of course there’s still some controversy-- theologians are still debating whether Gillette’s Moistening Aloe Strip™ is proscribed or not. On the grounds that such soothing comfort down there is a form of self-pollution.