Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Shot of Double Sexpresso

They say that New York City is where America happens first. Meaning trends start there and spread to the rest of the country. Well, Seattle is where America happens first -- in regards to coffee.

Why? Because we seriously loves us some coffee. Starbucks started here and basically defined the American coffee shop experience. Seattle's Best and Tully's are finally making national inroads now too.

Other coffee trends that started in Seattle:

Free wi-fi in coffee shops…we started that. Organic shade-grown free-trade mumbo jumbo to make everyone feel good about themselves…also a Seattle original.

I think we were early in on chocolate-covered espresso bean craze too; and the passive-aggressive veneer of civility…probably not related to coffee but also from Seattle.

On my street alone there are two unexpected hybrid-businesses: Latte Repair – a small appliance repair shop and coffee shop; and Espresso Dental – which insanely enough combines a dentist’s office and espresso stand! (Ask about their teeth whitening special)

That’s why I feel confident enough to inform America about your next coffee related mega-trend courtesy of Seattle: Erotic Fantasy Coffee. Read about it here: The cups will runneth over at ChickaLatte

What: Drive-through coffee stands now featuring sexy, scantily-clad baristas making your favorite coffee drinks

Where: several locations in the Seattle area

Who: Vaguely creepy-looking entrepreneur (ChickaLatte founder on the left) desperate to make money in the over-saturated coffee biz.

How: Desperate entrepreneur cheaply hires attractive young women to make coffee while they wear lingerie or fantasy fetish costumes. They give customers a sultry look while taking out the trash.

Why: Since at least the 1980s, men have been attracted to sexy women. Fantasy Coffee let’s them ogle sexy women while they drive 10 miles out of their way to buy the morning joe. And men will naturally want to stick big tips in the baristas’ tip jar.

And both get you up in the morning. Quote from the story in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

24-year-old barista Megan Frazer looked a little chilly, herself, in her "Ice Princess" ensemble -- a brief, light-blue nightie, emphasis on light, slit up the side to show lacy panties. Accents included a tiara and furry white booties. "Actually it gets really hot in here," she assured me.

That seems like gratuitous reporting for a family newspaper, but I'm not complaining since I like my coffee how I like my women: hot, bitter and keeping me awake all night.

Cheesy joke aside, more and more, the movie Idiocracy predicts the future of American culture. Remember how in the year 3000, the “Gentleman’s Latte” was just a euphemism for handjob? The future is almost here.


Nick said...

yeah, that's why i found the movie more sad than funny.

you know the coffee will be horrible, but some people will swear its the best. kind of like hooters wings.

Anonymous said...

What a craptapular idea. Is Hooter's airline still running? Is there a BW3s near Seattle? or San Antonio?
I did steam in my pants to the pic, and not to the dude on the Left.
Off topic, there is a Tropical Storm Dean brewing...

Anonymous said...

there's a bw3s about a mile from my house in SA

Paul said...

We don’t even have BW3s out here! And far less wing places than back in Ohio. And come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve seen Hooters either. Man you’re right on about people thinking their food is good though. It sucks. And this coffee is sure to suck, but it’s not actually too far from my house and I might go there, only like ironically, just to say how much it sucks.

And the Hooters Airline venture…they went down. Ceased flight operations last year, I think. Goes to show you can’t combine the TSA with T&A.

nick said...

wait, did hooter airlines go down, or did they go out of business?

there are a couple of decent wing places near me...though i haven't seen a hooters in sa either, but i haven't exactly been looking either.

Paul said...

Going down = triple entendre?

Don't want to come across as anti-American, but I don’t really care for wings. They’re too messy for such little food.